Turns Out You Can Find Grey Poupon Ice Cream in Lafayette, Louisiana
We live in a world where innovation drives society forward. Entire industries were invented just to bring us closer to a perfect world. Things that were so difficult to obtain can now be obtained at the press of a phone screen.
There are many great innovations in various industries, and food is one of the industries where new things appear almost daily, and they are largely celebrated as a great mixture of flavors and textures. The culinary arts strive for it daily.
Grey Poupon ice cream is not one of those innovations. It is a pint of vinegary regret, churned with plenty of sugar and cream to make it almost palatable, and it has little chunks of salted pretzels for a texture that will get stuck in your teeth and help you remember what you've done to yourself, assuming you don't have a toothbrush handy.
My dearest friends and readers, I tasted this ice cream. And I wish to give you fair warning: Don't.
Age of Discovery
When I first came across this flavor of ice cream, I was dumbfounded. I was not sure how this could actually exist, and I was certain my eyes were deceiving me. I blinked, rubbed my eyes, and looked again. It was still there.
I realized immediately that this ice cream was a mistake. It was a violation of God's and man's law and should not be. It's a Wrong Thing.
The discovery was on Monday evening. I was adamant I would never, ever try it.
On Tuesday, I realized I had to try it. I had to share this with everyone. I knew I would hate it and that I would never feel okay again if I tried it, but I had to warn you, lest your curiosity lead you astray.
I went everywhere to try to find it again. A Walmart in Lafayette, Rouse's, two Albertson's locations. All were without this flavor.
On Wednesday, I went back to the source, to the place where I first saw it. I went to Walmart in Carencro. And, lo, it was there. I spent two whole dollars on it and walked out the store and came back to the studio to try it.
What Does Regret Taste Like?
When you first look at it, it looks... strange. You might be forgiven for mistaking it for a banana ice cream of some sort. It doesn't look terrible, save for that streak of dark yellow that looks like a certain extremely creepy villain from the Sin City movie franchise.
And, to be fair, it tastes what I assume he would taste like if he were cooked down and churned into ice cream.
I'm not entirely sure what, exactly, regret tastes like, but I am pretty sure this ice cream is pretty close.
Even as I am writing this, I smell the mustard wafting from the open container. When I take a taste of it, I taste what seems like a much tangier honey mustard... at first. Then, I get hit with the full force of the mustard flavor, and I feel sadness and shame and more than a little bit angry.
I'm angry with the company for making this, and I'm angry with myself for trying it. The chunks of salted pretzels simply do not help. They make things worse.
A Second Opinion
I enlisted several of my colleagues here at Townsquare Media Lafayette to try this with me. Two of them flat-out refused. Another tried a bite and said, "That's disgusting." Out of respect for that colleague, I will not publicly out him as someone who tried this abomination unto the Lord.
I've talked to others who took one look and said "Nope." Not only can I not get another opinion, I don't think those people think as highly of me as they once did.
Where to Find It
As I said, I was only able to find it in the Walmart in Carencro. Everywhere else didn't have it. There are only two possibilities here:
- The people of Carencro are the only people with the good sense to not buy this, hence why it's still in stock.
- The people of Carencro are the only people with the bad sense to buy it, hence why Walmart keeps it in stock.
I pray it's the former.