Bridge Closure Planned For Abbeville, Translated For Locals

The Louisiana Department of Transportation and Development has announced that on Thursday, April 28, LA 14 Bypass Bridge will be closed from 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. to perform routine maintenance.
According to the press release, "multiple detour routes are required as noted below (Eastbound detour shown. Reverse route for Westbound detour)", but I will translate for the locals:
• All eastbound passenger and light trucks via south US 167, east LA 14 Business, and east LA 82 back to LA 14-Bypass. TRANSLATION: If you in da car with you mom and dem, pass by Shuck's and take da old bridge, den pass all da way around da courthouse and go turn by McDonald's.
• Eastbound trucks weighing less than 35 tons, may detour through Perry. The detour consists of south US 167, east LA 14-Business, north LA 335, east LA 684, and east LA 82. TRANSLATION: Da Department for da State of Transportation don't wan't y'all driving y'all big rigs tru Abbeville, so dey want y'all to pass over da Perry Bridge. Take da right at Ray Chevy, and den pass by Shuck's. Before you got to da old bridge, turn right and pass by Richard's Seafood Patio, den take a left to pass by Dr. Corbett LeBouef's old house. Then take a left to get into Perry. Follow you signs from der.
• Permit and eastbound trucks weighing more than 35 tons, should detour through Lafayette. The detour route consists of north US 167, east LA 3073 (Ambassador Caffery), east US 90 to LA 14. TRANSLATION: If you carryin a house or sumtin big like dat, you got to pass tru Lafayette.