The Christmas Mystery of the Poop Bucket Under the Tree

I know we're already beyond the Belk Bowl and all into Happy New Year and "when's the next holiday?" talk but I need to finish telling you about Christmas. Telling you is cheaper than therapy. This year's, "well, dat don't make no sense", Christmas gift is the lovely blue bucket you see pictured above.

It's a portable outdoor pooper. It's a gift from my wife. Yes, I did display it for this picture on top of her grand piano on purpose. Yes, the eggplant emoji might apply but come on, a plastic bucket so I can answer "nature's call" away from the house?

So, why is this gift such a mystery? You'd need to know just a little bit more about me and my bride of nearly 32 years for that to make sense.

Jill, my wife, has always had a strange idea that we are campers. I think when she was a little girl her family went camping a lot. She has really been pushing the idea of us embracing the great outdoors and obviously staying long enough to bring a bucket just in case.

I am more like the Michelin Man or  Poppin' Fresh. I'm what you'd call indoorsy. My idea of camping is a TV with no cable or being away from wi-fi and running water. In Country Boy Can Survive terms, I am dead on the first day.

Okay, I understand the thought behind the gift but my question is more along the lines of this. Of all the camping gear in all the world, what's the first item you'd want an unequipped camper to obtain? If any of you said "poop bucket"  it's a good thing I happen to have one because you are full of, check the bucket.

As poop buckets go I suppose this is a nice one. As you can see from the close-up shot of the label it comes with three liners and should I happen to be lost in the woods with Camey Doucet he too can follow the instructions for use of this breakthrough in man's domination over nature.

Just to be clear, I am quite grateful that Jill has some plans for us to stay busy now that both of the kids are moving on out of college and away from our house. Camping could be fun.

But not the poop in a bucket kind of camping to start things off. I think we should start more modern like a cabin at a state park and then as we learn more about the outdoors move on to a more primitive approach.

However, I just know that sometime in the year 2020 I will be editing this piece to fill you in on the final detail of when the bucket was brought in to play. How do I intend to stall that process as long as I can? Demand my wife demonstrates how the bucket works and how easy it is to clean first. Eggplant emoji again? Wow, y'all are a tough crowd.