Comedian Tim Hawkins has a bit he does or did in his shows about marriage. He actually performs a catchy little tune about "The Things You Don't Say To Your Wife". I found it to be quite amusing, my wife didn't get the joke as much as I did. I am a man and my mouth often operates before the censorship function of my brain can react. So for the protection of my gender, I proudly offer a few more things a man shouldn't ever say to his wife if he wants to live a long a happy life as Tim's song describes.



  • Pixland, ThinkStock
    Pixland, ThinkStock

    Just check the internet browser history.

    Even if you only look at the radio station website and some fishing articles online she will instinctively find the article with a picture of Carrie Underwood in a short skirt or that article about flesh-eating bacteria that features a picture of a woman in a bikini. Of course, there could be some other sites listed that you shouldn't have been looking at too. Here's how you clean your browser history. 

  • Kevin Winter/Getty Images
    Kevin Winter/Getty Images

    Did You Get That At Texas Roadhouse?

    This might be a very cool question if she was cooking a side dish or a steak but if she is putting up an accent piece or decoration for the family room the connection to Texas Roadhouse isn't a good one. Yes, this actually happened. Yes, the item was removed from the living room. Yes, it hurt when the doctor had to remove it from my backside. Any more questions?

  • Andreas Rodriguez, ThinkStock
    Andreas Rodriguez, ThinkStock

    It's Not A Great Deal If We Didn't Really Need It

    You'd be better served to just rip her heart out of her chest while it's still beating and show her how it doesn't match the color of her purse. This statement cuts to the very core of the female shopping gene. It's a powerful gene that is valued more than she values you sometimes. By not reacting with an exuberant OMG! you will have offended the shopping gene and thus switched the mindset of the love of your life from excited family virtue to kill him in his sleep mode.

  • CBS

    I Don't Need To Make A List

    Ah, the testosterone-fueled phrase that can only get you in deeper trouble. Men are notorious for not making an actual note about things they need to remember. Women are notorious for making actual notes about things that men don't bother to write down. As the late Judge Wapner would often reflect on The People's Court written proof is a lot stronger than hearsay. Guys, you can say your list into your phone now. Just do it. It will save you a lot of grief that is assuming you can remember where you left your phone.

  • Tyler Olson, ThinkStock
    Tyler Olson, ThinkStock

    You Paid How Much For That Haircut?

    First things first, you better notice that something was done to her hair. Hair is an important item to a lot of ladies. Because it is important and it makes her feel special she will likely invest a little more money into her style than we as men would. You should never compare the cost of your "style" to hers. You get a hair cut. She gets a mood lifting, youthful rejuvenation boost of feel good. That cost more than a basic wet cut. Honor that fact, cherish that fact, celebrate that fact, and then shut up.

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