The dearly departed is supposed to be the star of the show when you go to a funeral, so common sense dictates you keep quiet and not do anything to stand out.

If you want to make sure you blend in as seamlessly as a tissue and a black outfit, we’ve come up with a handy dandy list of things you should avoid uttering. You can thank us later.

1. “Can you keep the crying down? I’m trying to hear the eulogy.”

2. “This day just got even worse. I just found out the hearse doesn’t have a stocked mini bar.”

3. “Does anyone know if they validate parking?”

4. “I don’t know why everyone is so sad. It’s not like this was a surprise, considering how much he smoked.”

5. “I didn’t realize I was supposed to wear a suit.”

6. “Ooh, I’ve got to take this call.”

7. “Rest in peace, my butt.”

8. “I don’t know why they buried him in a suit. He’s going to be pretty warm in that where he’s going.”

9. “Does anybody else wanna order a pizza?”

10. “Enough of these people talking, already. Let’s get on with the reading of the will.”

11. “I’d be honored to be a pallbearer. How much does that pay?”

12. “I’m starting a petition to cancel the wake and replace it with a toga party.”

13. “Black is so cliche. That’s why I’m wearing glow in the dark neon red-and-green polka dots.”

14. “You think ‘The Voice’ is better than ‘American Idol?’ Let’s go outside and settle this like men.”